As for rugby, I was in Rome this March minding my own business when, out of nowhere, hordes of Scotsmen (and a few lasses) descended on the city: apparently they were there to see their team take on the Italians in something called the “Six Nations”(?) In any case it was subsequently quite amusing to see Scottish fans completely shocked at having lost away to Italy:)

Oh, and I missed out on the Clasico: someone very close to me had the audacity to celebrate her birthday (I shall not be forgiving her anytime soon).

Also, forgive an ignorant Scandinavian for asking, but… what are the Ashes? I know it’s cricket, but it’s a sport I really struggle to understand. To me it merely appears to be a more intellectual version of baseball, but surely that can’t be correct?

If you can explain the game and its attractions in layman’s terms, I’ll be immensely grateful, and only too happy to do the same with ski-jumping or biathlon or any other of the strange sports with which we content ourselves throughout the winter.

The Irish would qualify with a draw, so were obviously happy to sit back and relax, and the result was the most mind-numbingly soulless game you can ever imagine.

Famously, Egil Olsen is an avid poker player, known for his calculated approach to the game, but sometimes you just have to gamble, and in that case he lamentably failed to do so, rather inaccurately leaving a lasting impression of our style as predominantly negative (La Gazzetta, for example, compared him to Nereo Rocco, inventor of the Catennacio)

The same thing, pathetically, happened again in 2000: Slovenia, with the genius of Zlatko Zahovic in their midst, were a decent side, but we’d beaten them twice in qualification and should certainly have done so again, but Nils Johan Semb, who had a tendency to err on the side of caution, decided to sit back and attack if and only if Spain took the lead against Yugoslavia. Which they did. In the 95th minute. When our game was already over. A travesty. The picture of Semb on all four in the centre circle, as if ready to take it doggy-style, will haunt me to the end of my days.

In the past five years, however, there’s been a huge influx: some have been extremely successful, others have… not, to put it very politely. The best is no doubt Stabæk’s former Brazilian wing-wizard Alanzinho, who inspired his club to the 2008 League title and even sparked a naturalisation debate (regardless of the fact that he didn’t qualify for citizenship).

The worst among many ignominous failures was probably Matias Almeyda’s brief spell at Lyn in 2007: he may well once have been voted Serie A’s best player (1998-99) but was evidently way past his sell-by date.

Also: Ygor Santiago, a Brazilian midfielder signed by Start in 2007 amid much chest-beating and (entirely fabricated) rumours that he was close to a call-up to Dunga’s national team. Although a first-team regular in Kristiansand, he failed to make much of an impact as the club were relegated, after which event it transpired that they no longer had the funds to pay his wages, so loaned him to Fluminense for two years until his contract expired.

I agree the reason for the relatively high failure rate is poor scouting, but also a lack of patience. Alanzinho, for example, hardly played in his first season and was labelled a flop, but then he met a Norwegian girl, adapted to the local culture and his team’s style of play, and was twice voted Midfielder of the Year before being sold to Trabzonspor in Turkey at a huge profit.

Anders Lindegaard has signed for Man Utd today. Lets see whether he can deal with the pressure!

England have it all to do in the Ashes…

Norway 0-0 Republic of Ireland (1994 World Cup)

Norway 0-0 Slovenia (Euro 2000)

(Hangs head in shame.)